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www.who-are-you.us |
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Reunion |
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Earlier you read my disdain for using paid search services. I still feel that it is unfair for adoptees to have no other options but to use these services. After many years of frustrated searching, I acquiesced to the need for paid assistance. Although I did not pay the full amount originally quoted, I did use Kinsolving, and once officially contracted on September 1, 2003 they did rapidly get me my answers. It is not my purpose to advertise for them, but I name them in the interest of letting you know how I was able to reach the end of my quest, and for what it is worth, my experience with them was a good one. They did not ask for any money up front, but I did sign an agreement to pay them an agreed upon price upon completion of my case. I was a little concerned about having to wire funds to them as payment, but all of my answers were promptly delivered by email—as promised.
On October 9, 2003, I was furnished with the birth dates and current addresses for my birth mother and her family, my four (not three) birth aunts., my recently deceased birth grand-mother and I was also given family tree information regarding the maternal side of my birth family which traced back as far as the 1800s. I digested the information slowly. For purposes of the privacy of my birth family, I will not include any names in the story below accept to tell you that my name at birth was a Croatian surname whose meaning is, ironically, "the left one". The family hailed from a rural town in Ohio where many of my aunts and cousins still reside in or around. While I was not largely surprised that my birth mother remained in Florida or that I had three aunts in Ohio, I was surprised to find that the current matriarch of the family, my eldest aunt, lived only 40 miles away from me in Southern California, where I had moved to only four years prior. I was also surprised to find out that 9 months after I was born and relinquished, my birth mother married in Florida and remained in the state living within 50 miles from where I grew up. 6 years after my birth, my birthmother and her husband adopted a son. 11 years after my birth they adopted a daughter. I was the one and only child that my birth mother gave birth to.
I wanted to be cautious about making contact and so I first learned that both of my birthmother’s children were grown and living away from home. She was still married to the same man she had married in 1970. I paid a little extra money to an online records search company to do background checks on some of the key birth family members. After all, they were strangers to me, and I did not want to knock on the door of a potentially violent criminal. When everything came back clear and safe, I then decided that I would start my reunion with my eldest birth aunt.
Starting with my aunt may surprise some who are reading this but my rationalization was as follows: it appeared from all the information I had gathered that the family was not very close; she is the eldest and if any sibling to my birthmother knew of my existence it may have been her; she was a short drive away rather than a long plane flight.
With flowers in hand I showed up on the doorstep of my eldest birth aunt in mid-October. She came to the door and immediately I saw the same chin, nose and eyes I had been seeing in the mirror all of my life. She asked who it was and I replied "delivery". She opened the door saw the flowers and asked who they were from, I replied "I believe they are from your nephew". She accepted the flowers and it was then that I apologized for dropping in suddenly, but that I had recently found out that "I" was her nephew. She stared at me a moment and then invited me in. Before I stepped in I mentioned her sister’s name and how I came into the world. Her jaw dropped and again she invited me in. I protested entering her home on such short notice, suggesting that perhaps we simply go to a coffee shop, but she insisted and so I visited with her for over 3 ½ hours. She did not know I had existed before that day, but she knew that something dramatic had occurred in my birth mother’s past around the time of my birth. It was good talking to her on many levels. It allowed me to get to know her; it allowed me to gain more background on my birth family and the family dynamics. It was also there that I saw my birthmother for the first time, in a photograph.
My aunt and I agreed to stay in contact and develop our friendship regardless of how things might later go in Florida. Due to her somewhat estranged connection to my birthmother we agreed she would keep me a secret from other family members until we saw how my birth mother responds to me and what her wishes would be.
A few weeks later my wife and I flew to Florida staying at a hotel 10 miles from the address I had for my birth mother. On Monday, November 10th, 2003 at around 1:00 PM I knocked on the door of my birth mother’s house while holding a small vase containing a simple arrangement of three yellow roses which I hoped would convey my desire for friendship. My birth mother opened the door and for a moment I thought I was looking at my birth aunt in California again. I had gone my entire life not seeing the genetic similarities between myself and others that I was at first taken aback by the similarities. I quickly recovered and presented the flowers. I apologized for showing up unannounced but that I could not foresee a better way. I told her that she and I had not seen each other since 1969, September 2nd to be exact.
Immediately her mouth formed a silent "no" shape of surprise and I was poised to catch her if she fainted, but she did not. She recovered quickly with a smile I again recognized from the mirror and invited me in. I resisted again out of courtesy suggesting to her that we go to a coffee shop and muttering something about her husband. She replied that "he knows" and that it was okay. She told me she had imagined the moment we were now experiencing many, many times and asked if she could hug me, which I of course said "yes" to. I told her it was not my wish to upset her life but that I wanted to thank her for giving me mine and if she had any concerns or feelings of guilt that may have haunted her for these 34 years, I wanted to bring her some peace.
I also learned that she had written a letter to HRS to be added to my file in case I ever searched, but I was never given it by HRS. My birth mother’s husband had been very supportive of her as she recovered from the depression of having relinquished a child to adoption. Over the years he had emphasized that she forget and move on. This explained to me why even though she had a computer, and even though Florida offers a mutual consent registry, we never before connected. Although she had secretly dreamed of reunion, she truly believed we would not have reunited had I not been the one to do the searching. Ultimately and most satisfyingly, she thanked me for finding her.
I informed her of my contact with my birth aunt in California and my reasons for having made it. She did not seem upset and told me that I had handled everything well. We looked at photos, talked about health and medical issues, discussed her parents, her sisters, her kids and her husband. She asked about me and I shared what little my already numb brain could think of, my wife, my father, my aunts, my deceased mother and grandmother, my career, my home. I also learned that her adopted children (who incidentally, to her knowledge, have not tried to search for their birth families), and who were now adults, and her other siblings were never told of my existence. It was a concern to us both about how they would accept such news. I told her that it was a decision she and her husband could make and that I would abide by whatever their decision would be.
We agreed to have lunch together two days later at which time she would meet my wife who had traveled with me to Florida. We spent another four hours together that Wednesday, sharing stories from our lives and getting to know one another. It became evident that a question she had was whether I wished to simply take the information from our meetings and disappear, or develop a future relationship. My reply was that "everyone can use more friends". I did not expect to become an instant family member or be welcomed by her husband and children as such. I simply wanted to get to know her and if possible, continue doing so.
My wife later commented how after knowing me for over 12 years it was surreal to meet another person who looked so much like me and who used similar body language and gestures. The mystery is over, my answers have arrived and I am still processing the emotions and the information. The part of my soul that held a path with a locked gate, seems to have been opened. I feel that I now have more power and understanding than I did previously.
In November 0f 2003 I met three additional Aunts in Ohio, as I traveled through with an Orchestra I was performing with. I also met a plethora of cousins—all of whom seemed curious about this strange guy who looked a lot like their mother’s, who they heard had grown up in a different family. I felt a little bit on display, but it was very nice how welcoming and accepting they all were. We stay in touch by email.
In August of 2005 I returned to Florida for a vacation and visited again with my birthmother. This time my wife and I also met her husband and had a very nice time. I may be in Ohio again this Winter, and if so, will again see my other Aunts.
If I had to focus on only one good thing that resulted from my reunion, it would be that my birthmother, and her sisters, who had allowed a rift to develop between them due to their harsh upbringing and independent natures, now have opened up communication and are building new relationships with one another as I build relationships with them.
Its been said that you have to know where you came from in order to know where you are going.
...The future remains unwritten. |
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All Content is ©1998-2005 R & R Media Productions |
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This page was created and first published on the internet in 1998. In June of 2000 I lost the Mother I had known all my life:
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We sat and talked for over four hours. I learned immediately that I was a true child of the sixties- an era of free love. What this means is that she, like many women and men of that time, had been with multiple partners and that around the time of my conception - the ones whose names she remembered, I looked nothing like. My search would end here, with no identity of a birth father.
She explained to me the dysfunctions of the family at the time of my birth, and how she had grown up in poverty due to the absence of a father in her life and how she did not want me to do the same. I also learned that she had attempted to get me back, but that it was after my adoption had been finalized. |
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My birthmother and I, two days after our reunion. |
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ADOPTION RECORD
SEALED BY LAW |
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09-02-1969 |
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THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE |